On Living Life Now

The greatest lesson my father gave me was in his death.

A few months before Daddy died, he confided in me how angry he was about the whole situation.  He was deeply, deeply pissed off that he wasn't going to have the life he had envisioned for himself. He said,

My dad got 30 years of retirement to do whatever he wanted. And what do I get?

Poppy used to joke that Emily thought he'd never had a job, because he retired the same year she was born. And it's true that he lived another 29 years — a third of his life — not going to work day in and day out.

My dad didn't hate his job, but neither did he love it.  He went to college because his father wanted him to. He got a business degree (instead of an art, music, or other degree he might have been better suited for) because that's what his father wanted. And then he went to work for Southwestern Bell (later AT&T) because it was a secure, comfortable job that supported his family.

But he didn't love it.

He pursued his passions on the side. He did his art and played his guitars. He tried out photography, sculpture, and pen and ink drawing. But there was never enough time. There was a lawn that constantly needed mowing, stuff to fix around the house, kids to pick up and drop off.

So he was, naturally, really looking forward to retirement.  He never got it.

He retired to take care of his father in 2012. About six months later, he was diagnosed with leukemia.

He got six months when he had expected 20 years or more.

Is it a sad story? Sure it is. Don't get me wrong; I believe my dad lived a good life, but I still have trouble reconciling the time I feel he should have had with the hand he got dealt.

But the positive side of it is this: I realized what he was really telling me.  Live in the now. Make the life you have the life you want to live. Don't settle.

As I write this, I feel deeply, deeply grateful that I've been able to do just that. I've created a job for myself that puts me at home, with you. It lets me earn money to support our family, do something I actually enjoy, and be more of the mom I want to be.

I'm living the life I wish my dad could have had. I'm doing it because he showed me how important it is.

There's always going to be stuff we don't want to do in life. There's always laundry to fold, grass to mow, jobs we don't love (hopefully to get us to one we do). That doesn't change. But living with the idea that we are in charge, that we can create the life we want to live — and the knowledge that we must do it now, not wait for later — that is the powerful lesson he left me with.

Don't wait to live your life later, because later may never come.